Her Tobias
by LoveLoony
Summary: After the events in Allegiant, Tobias decides to return to the Dauntless Compound and face his fears one last time.


_A/N: Hey guys I hope you enjoy this! The idea came to my mind the other day and I had to write it out. This is not a Tris comes back story, or Tobias moves on. Because I don't know about you, I don't think that would happen. Anyway, Read, Review and Stay Awesome :)_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Divergent. That is Veronica Roth and if you do not know that, well then, why are you even here?_

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**~Tobias POV~**

I look around the pit and it's completely empty. It's been like that for a long time now. Even though people spread out through the city and even outside the fence to other cities, no one came back here. I always wondered why. Maybe no one sees the point of a place like this, now that the factions are gone and no one has to be fearless all the time. I pass several familiar places; the tattoo parlor, the cafeteria, the training room, the chasm. I stop at the edge and look down into the dark pit that became a comfort to me as I lived here in Dauntless.

I can hear the roar of the waves as they crash against the walls, bringing back memories that crash against my mind, just as the waves on the rock. Saving Tris from Peter, meeting her mum, talking with her about her Divergence at the bottom, the water spraying around us, where no one could hear. But even now I think that the Bureau was always able to hear. Almost every memory in the city, and even here in Dauntless is painful, it either involves my father beating and torturing me or Tris, the love of my life. But each memory of her is accompanied by a sharp pain that pierces me, just as a dagger would a target, right in my core.

I leave the chasm and turn my back on it, letting my hands leave the cold metal and the sound of the waves grow dim as I climb the staircase to the glass building overhead. I've made this climb so many times that my feet lead me to where I want to go even before I process it in my mind. Each time I came up here, I thought it was my own determination to test myself, to overcome my fears. But maybe it was to make sure that I didn't become weaker. My feet lead me to the door, and as my hand clamps tight on the black box, I remember the first time I came in here. Anticipation and determination clouding my judgement and the fear that filled me as soon as I walked in. I also recall the first time I showed anyone my fear landscape, the first time I let anyone in, let anyone see the real me. Tris. I remember clearly what I said to her.

"Since you're here, you might as well come in with me" I say without looking around. Christina walks out from the shadows, she was quieter than Tris, but not quiet enough.  
"How did you know I was there?" She asks, raising her voice to a normal pitch, but it still feels like shouting in my ears. I sigh, I've known she was there since I left my apartment, I didn't say anything, because I was curious about her. We've been friends ever since Tris' death. At first it was out of mutual grief, we had both lost someone close to us and we both just needed someone to be there for a little while, to keep us on our feet. After that I actually grew to know her as Christina, and not as Tris' best friend. Since her question went unanswered she moves closer to me and noticed the black box in my hand.  
"Are you going through?" She asks and I nod, opening the box and offering her a needle. "You want me to go in with you?" She asks, with an incredulous and surprised look on her face.  
"I know you're curious" I say and she shifts from one foot to the other uncomfortably, "and to be honest so am I."

She picks up the needle and inserts it into the side of her neck and presses in the plunger at the same time as I do. I close my eyes and walk through the door and I feel her follow me in. I know that sharing this with someone else will be hard, it was easier with Tris, but then again harder at the same time, as I cared more about what Tris thought of me, of my character, my faults and my true self.

We stand in darkness for a few seconds, waiting for my first fear to set in. I am prepared to open my eyes and see the wide expanse of the city of Chicago, from the top of the Hancock building. But I don't, instead I feel walls pushing against my spine and the top of my head and I feel Christina getting pushed up against me. "Claustrophobia" she states as the walls close in on us, I nod my head, but this isn't right. I voice this thought out loud, "something's wrong." I say.  
"Wrong?" She replies, her voice showing slight panic as I hear her breathing start to pick up. "Different." I say.

The Hancock building does not show up in my fear landscape anymore, it has completely skipped over that fear. Did I overcome it? When did that happen? The zip line. The zip line at the top of the Hancock building, where I went to scatter Tris' ashes, as a final goodbye to her. I have been going there more and more recently. Even though Zeke and I are not as close as we used to be, especially after what happened with his brother Uriah, he still takes me up there any time I ask. Because he knows just as well as I do, that it is the only time that I feel close to her, to Tris. Maybe that is why I am no longer afraid of it, heights, because I tie them to Tris, my longing to feel her with me. Whenever I soar across the city, I can imagine her next to me. I can feel her love wash over me and I know that I am safe, that plummeting to my death from thousands of feet can't harm me as long as she is with me.

"Four" I hear Cristina breathe out as she pulls me back into the reality of where I am, I remember that I am in my fear simulation, walls closing in, with Christina pressed up against me, leaving no room to move. Cristina is taller than Tris was and therefore makes it even more uncomfortable to be in here. I remember what I need when I face these fears, I need to know that they have no control over me, that I am more powerful, stronger than them.

"Push against the walls," I say, placing my palm on the wall to my right and shifting my feet the wall opposite. "Push as hard as you can and imagine them breaking, falling apart." Christina copies my movements and does what I say and in seconds the walls have broken away and are no longer pushing against us. We're in darkness again, and for a few seconds I wonder what I am going to see next. What am I afraid of anymore?

The next second I am standing in a circle of light facing Marcus. This is different from every other time he has been in here. He does not have a belt in his hand, which signified my fear of what he would do to me, and he is not a reflection of me, signifying my fear of what he would do to my character. He is just standing there in front of me. "Your dad?" I hear Christina breathe from my side, I had forgotten that she was standing there. I keep staring at Marcus afraid of what he is there for, and I don't realise that Christina has turned around now, until she speaks again. "Your mum?"

I turn around and see her there, just as I remembered her, but this time she has a gun pointed at me, at my chest. I stare at her in shock, what was I afraid of, that she would kill me?

"Move" I hear her say. I am confused, I don't know what she wants, I don't understand what this is signifying. "Move" she says again, louder, more forceful. And then I realise. She's not pointing the gun at me, but through me. I turn back around and see that Marcus is also holding a gun, pointing at me, no, at Evelyn. Is that what I am afraid of, that my parents would kill each other? At the time I didn't realise my relief when Marcus' trial ended in banishment and not death. I think it was mainly because I didn't want that resting on me, the undeniable fact that my parents hated each other so much that they would resort to the final measure, death. And by the looks of it, what I'm afraid of most is the extent to which they would go, to achieve this. What they would give up and push through. Me. I'm afraid that they care more about their revenge, than my life.

"Move" this time it's Marcus, his tone forceful, his face full of anger. Hard and uncaring. "Move" Evelyn says, her voice softer than Marcus', but sharper and her face is full of determination. I shake my head, Christina sees this movement and opens her mouth to question it, but I don't let her get anything out. "No" I say, I stand side on and I look at them both, at regular intervals. Christina stands I front of me confusion etched on her face. "Move" they both say together. I know what I must do. As I stand there certain in my actions, I remember Tris, her face as she explained that she let Jeanine shoot her instead of shooting her family, and 'waking up' and seeing her, with her gun in my hands pointed at her head, refusing to kill me. I take a leaf from her book and stand perfectly still, "if you want to kill each other" I say, my voice strong and determined, "you're going to have to kill me first." I'm not sure what I wanted to happen, for them to shoot me and for me to move on to my next fear, or for them to put the guns down, to show me that they do care for me. "So be it." Marcus says, as Evelyn breathes, "If that is what you choose." They fire.

I let out a breath as the bullets hit me and I wake up, my breathing fast and my heart beating three times faster than normal. A crease forms in between my eyebrows as I look around and see that we are standing, not in the next stage of my fear landscape, but back in the room. Its solid dark walls look strange to me and the air feels heavier than usual.

"Two?" Christina says, "how come you only have the two fears?" I'm wondering that myself. I think about my four fears. I already know why heights is no longer a fear of mine, and I know that claustrophobia is still in there, as we just broke out of it. And Marcus, Marcus has always been in my fear landscape, and even though his form has changed twice, I don't think I will ever be able to escape him entirely. I think of what my last fear was before. Killing innocent people. Not the act of doing it itself, but my capability to, that I have a power to do it. But that was gone because I had her to keep me in check. Her. Tris. Tris was my last fear, losing her and watching her die, knowing that I couldn't save her. I guess I understand why that is no longer a fear of mine. Because it is a reality.

I explain to Christina, what my fears were before and after Tris and she nods as if she understands. But she wears a confused expression, as if she has a question, but she doesn't know whether or not she should ask it.  
"What is it?" I ask in a gruff and she looks surprised, but continues on anyway.  
"If Tris was the reason that you didn't fear your capacity to kill innocent people, shouldn't that fear be back because she is gone?" I think about that question for a moment. She's right, and I haven't thought about it. I think of my answer and pause before saying to her.  
"Tris never believed that violence was the answer, she hated what the Erudite did to the Abnegation, and subsequently what the Factionless did to the Erudite." I say, leaning against a wall. "She always resorted to reason and not action. It was a part of her, she was a selfless Abnegation, a brave Dauntless, but also a smart Erudite, she could read people and situations better than most and knew the smartest thing to do almost every time." Christina nodded along, I'm not sure she completely understands where I am going.

"I know now, that I am not actually a Divergent, because that's what the Bureau has told me, but I still try to act as though I am not just one thing, that I am not just cut out for one faction. I wanted to be brave, selfless, honest, smart and kind, and I know that Tris wanted that as well. So now, I approach situations with the mind of an Erudite, just like Tris. She may no longer be standing here with me helping me choose the right thing, but she is in here" I point to my head, "and in here" my heart, "showing me what to do." Christina has a small smile playing on her lips as she listens and she absentmindedly fidgets with the hem of her black tank top. "I am not letting my genes limit me, just because of what some government Bureau says, I am honouring Tris by showing them that I can be better, with out a genetic code in my body that says I am."

We stand there for a few seconds, before I speak again. I remember a conversation I had with my mother a while ago. "Anyway, it's not as though I have the resources to hurt anyone anymore, politicians use words, not weaponry." Christina always thought that my decision to go into politics and not security or the police force was strange, but she never questioned it. She just knew it was something I had to get away from.  
"Yeah well, you may not use guns anymore," she says, a grin spreading on her face. "But you pack one hell of a punch" she punches me lightly on the arm, and I let a smile reach my lips. I am grateful for the friendship that has formed between the two of us, even if its origins is not something that either of us would like to think on.

"So," I say, rubbing the back of my neck, just below my hair line. "Why did you follow me here?" She looks a little sheepish, as though she was hoping that I wouldn't remember and ask her about that.  
"I was worried about you," she says looking down at her feet and returns to fidgeting with her hem. "I saw the box and though you might be stupid enough to try and erase your memory again." I am touched that she cared that much, but also annoyed that she thought that I need protection from myself. I nod.  
"I'm fine" I say, looking up at her. "But thanks."

We start walking back down the stairs away from the fear landscape and make it out onto the train platform, I look at my watch trying to estimate the trains' time of arrival. Any minute now. I hear the horn blear as the headlights shine in the distance.  
"So," I hear Christina say next to me. "I can't call you Four anymore, so what should I call you?" The train rounds the bend as I think about her question.  
"Tobias" I say as I start to run. I see an open door halfway down the train, and pace myself next to it, I grab the handle and hoist myself into the car and turn around and hold out my hand for Christina. She takes it and I lift her into the car, almost as easily as I did with Tris.

"Tobias huh?" She says grinning, I know she gets the same thrill as I do when I jump onto a moving train. "Yeah" I reply. Tobias no longer feels like a name of a weak boy who escaped his abusive father, or a man who betrayed the people he loved. It feels stronger now, powerful, and there was only one reason why. Her. It was the part of me that always belonged to her, my secret in Dauntless, my truth outside. She always loved me for who I was, rough, mean, and damaged. But she brought out the best in me and made me stronger. That's who I want to be, for her. Her Tobias.


End file.
